Post by mercurial on Aug 11, 2012 15:07:06 GMT -5
Okay, I'll start this one, as I hinted at it in my intro. This might sound familiar to the moderator who answered it a few months ago (I cant remember who it was!), as I asked it on the Tumblr Blog, but I'm going to ask again because more advice cant hurt, and this way I can detail the situation a little more; I cant stand the short character limit with Tumblr asks.
I am just gonna say right now that this is a complicated and heavy problem. :/ Maybe I'm biased because it's my life, but I think that if you're having like a super awesome day, this post maybe has the potential to bum you out a little bit.
So I have this boyfriend, and he is very lovely. We met in September of last year and have been dating since November. Our relationship has moved very slowly for a number of reasons that I'll get into, which I think is important to say. We've been monogamous and an item from the start, but we didn't put a label on our relationship until around February of this year (shortly after Valentine's Day, a holiday that was sufficiently awkward this year), and we still haven't exchanged "I love you's" either. I think I love him, and I think he loves me (I can tell a difference in how he looks at and treats me in recent months), but he's working up to saying it. He's getting used to the "I love when you..." / "I love your..." / "I love it when we..." statements. I think this is due to both of us --I'm scared to really be in love with someone, and I think he has been scared to really commit to someone since his last relationship (which lasted five years).
I think things have also progressed slowly because of our differences. The biggest difference is our age. I'll be 21 in about four weeks; he turned 31 this past January.
At this point, he's been a significant person in my life for about a year now, and my parents still don't even know he exists. And my boyfriend knows it. I'm not sure how much it upsets him, although I'm aware that he's not happy about the situation. My parents don't know he exists because of his age. I am afraid to introduce him because I know for a fact that they wont like him.
The last guy I dated (that my parents knew about), they hated, and they never even met him. (In fact, and this might make things worse, my dad said he didn't like him because he hadn't met him and he thought it was disrespectful of a man to date another man's daughter without introductions? ... Even though I had not lived in my parents' house for the past year at that point, and that guy and I had only been dating very casually for about two weeks.) At the time my dad even threatened to take away the car I drove (which was technically his that he was letting me use while in college) and said that I have to do whatever he wants because he pays for my college tuition. I realize that I was only casually dating this guy and that it was probably more worth it to do what my dad wanted, but I was so mad on principle at this point. So I said back to him that if he wanted to go that low, then he can keep his money and I'll take out a student loan because he doesn't get to decide who I date or own my life anymore. --He never really even should have had that attitude about my life as a minor, I don't think, but he did regardless. After that fight, I didn't speak to my father for a while, and that boy and I broke up as he was in the army and was getting deployed for the next year. (Neither of us felt we were serious enough to commit to a long distance relationship for the year and we moved on. Shortly after, I met my current boyfriend.) My father and I never spoke of the fight again, but I took the car back to my home near college and tuition kept getting paid, which is where I am now.
At this point, I feel like I should introduce my boyfriend to my parents. In the past I didn't feel like I was concealing much, but he is such a big part of my life now that I have to actively lie to them about weekend plans or who I hang out with or who I'm talking to on the phone. It feels disrespectful to my boyfriend, and it just makes me feel icky to lie to my parents --even though I think, given the circumstances, that is the most obvious option to choose.
I want to introduce him especially now because we have plans to go to the east coast (I live in the midwest) for a few days over the New Year. My parents will want to know where I am, and I'd have to either lie about being in my college apartment or tell the truth. I feel like lying about being in another state is a big deal, even if I am a full grown adult. Plus I'm paranoid they'd find out I was lying and everything would get worse. I just want to introduce him --after my birthday in September so the age difference seems like less (21 and 31, instead of 20 and 31) but early enough so that the trip to the east coast doesn't catch them off guard.
I have no idea how to do it though. How do I even bring up I've been dating someone? In just a few seconds, they'll hate him, and here's why.
Me: Well, I've been seeing someone for a few months. It's been getting more serious recently. I really like him.
Parent: Oh yeah? What's his name?
Me: [Name]
Parent: What is he studying in school?
Me: Well, he's already got his degree actually. He studied computer science and information technology.
Parent: Oh, how old is he? How did you meet him?
Me: We met through mutual friends... And he's 31.
Parent: *RAGE EXPLOSION* age yadda yadda too mature yadda yadda only wants you for one thing yadda yadda why cant he find someone his own age yadda yadda I'm not going to pay for the rest of your tuition unless you break up with him immediately yadda yadda
A big reason I think our relationship has progressed so slowly is because we were both really scared about what we were getting into, I think. The age gap bothered us both. But we met at a music festival, and then at a party through mutual friends, and then at another festival, another party with mutual friends... and we hit it off and kept seeing each other and it just developed into what it is. A lot of people who have a problem with our age have a problem with it because they immediately jump to the conclusion that must have sought me out because he cant find a girl his own age and me wanting a sugar daddy. People have actually told me that to my face. I don't care about what people think (I'm posting it here, aren't I? lol), but those comments are hurtful. They don't understand that neither of us sought the other out and in fact we didn't really hit it off until the third time around, but we eventually just quit fighting what was in front of us after several months.
I want to tell my parents and let them know about this part of my life, but I am afraid that it will not only put a strain on our familial relationship, but it will also strain my romantic relationship and at very worst my dad might make good on his claim to quit paying tuition. Thankfully at that point he cant not pay for the rest of Fall 2012, and I'll graduate in 2013, but still. I'd have to take out a loan for money I don't have to be paid off with a job I don't have. It feels morally icky, but it would be "best" for me to just keep lying.
So I don't know what to do.
BOOM. That was the sound of the weight of the world being taken off my shoulders! Ha.
I am just gonna say right now that this is a complicated and heavy problem. :/ Maybe I'm biased because it's my life, but I think that if you're having like a super awesome day, this post maybe has the potential to bum you out a little bit.
So I have this boyfriend, and he is very lovely. We met in September of last year and have been dating since November. Our relationship has moved very slowly for a number of reasons that I'll get into, which I think is important to say. We've been monogamous and an item from the start, but we didn't put a label on our relationship until around February of this year (shortly after Valentine's Day, a holiday that was sufficiently awkward this year), and we still haven't exchanged "I love you's" either. I think I love him, and I think he loves me (I can tell a difference in how he looks at and treats me in recent months), but he's working up to saying it. He's getting used to the "I love when you..." / "I love your..." / "I love it when we..." statements. I think this is due to both of us --I'm scared to really be in love with someone, and I think he has been scared to really commit to someone since his last relationship (which lasted five years).
I think things have also progressed slowly because of our differences. The biggest difference is our age. I'll be 21 in about four weeks; he turned 31 this past January.
At this point, he's been a significant person in my life for about a year now, and my parents still don't even know he exists. And my boyfriend knows it. I'm not sure how much it upsets him, although I'm aware that he's not happy about the situation. My parents don't know he exists because of his age. I am afraid to introduce him because I know for a fact that they wont like him.
The last guy I dated (that my parents knew about), they hated, and they never even met him. (In fact, and this might make things worse, my dad said he didn't like him because he hadn't met him and he thought it was disrespectful of a man to date another man's daughter without introductions? ... Even though I had not lived in my parents' house for the past year at that point, and that guy and I had only been dating very casually for about two weeks.) At the time my dad even threatened to take away the car I drove (which was technically his that he was letting me use while in college) and said that I have to do whatever he wants because he pays for my college tuition. I realize that I was only casually dating this guy and that it was probably more worth it to do what my dad wanted, but I was so mad on principle at this point. So I said back to him that if he wanted to go that low, then he can keep his money and I'll take out a student loan because he doesn't get to decide who I date or own my life anymore. --He never really even should have had that attitude about my life as a minor, I don't think, but he did regardless. After that fight, I didn't speak to my father for a while, and that boy and I broke up as he was in the army and was getting deployed for the next year. (Neither of us felt we were serious enough to commit to a long distance relationship for the year and we moved on. Shortly after, I met my current boyfriend.) My father and I never spoke of the fight again, but I took the car back to my home near college and tuition kept getting paid, which is where I am now.
At this point, I feel like I should introduce my boyfriend to my parents. In the past I didn't feel like I was concealing much, but he is such a big part of my life now that I have to actively lie to them about weekend plans or who I hang out with or who I'm talking to on the phone. It feels disrespectful to my boyfriend, and it just makes me feel icky to lie to my parents --even though I think, given the circumstances, that is the most obvious option to choose.
I want to introduce him especially now because we have plans to go to the east coast (I live in the midwest) for a few days over the New Year. My parents will want to know where I am, and I'd have to either lie about being in my college apartment or tell the truth. I feel like lying about being in another state is a big deal, even if I am a full grown adult. Plus I'm paranoid they'd find out I was lying and everything would get worse. I just want to introduce him --after my birthday in September so the age difference seems like less (21 and 31, instead of 20 and 31) but early enough so that the trip to the east coast doesn't catch them off guard.
I have no idea how to do it though. How do I even bring up I've been dating someone? In just a few seconds, they'll hate him, and here's why.
Me: Well, I've been seeing someone for a few months. It's been getting more serious recently. I really like him.
Parent: Oh yeah? What's his name?
Me: [Name]
Parent: What is he studying in school?
Me: Well, he's already got his degree actually. He studied computer science and information technology.
Parent: Oh, how old is he? How did you meet him?
Me: We met through mutual friends... And he's 31.
Parent: *RAGE EXPLOSION* age yadda yadda too mature yadda yadda only wants you for one thing yadda yadda why cant he find someone his own age yadda yadda I'm not going to pay for the rest of your tuition unless you break up with him immediately yadda yadda
A big reason I think our relationship has progressed so slowly is because we were both really scared about what we were getting into, I think. The age gap bothered us both. But we met at a music festival, and then at a party through mutual friends, and then at another festival, another party with mutual friends... and we hit it off and kept seeing each other and it just developed into what it is. A lot of people who have a problem with our age have a problem with it because they immediately jump to the conclusion that must have sought me out because he cant find a girl his own age and me wanting a sugar daddy. People have actually told me that to my face. I don't care about what people think (I'm posting it here, aren't I? lol), but those comments are hurtful. They don't understand that neither of us sought the other out and in fact we didn't really hit it off until the third time around, but we eventually just quit fighting what was in front of us after several months.
I want to tell my parents and let them know about this part of my life, but I am afraid that it will not only put a strain on our familial relationship, but it will also strain my romantic relationship and at very worst my dad might make good on his claim to quit paying tuition. Thankfully at that point he cant not pay for the rest of Fall 2012, and I'll graduate in 2013, but still. I'd have to take out a loan for money I don't have to be paid off with a job I don't have. It feels morally icky, but it would be "best" for me to just keep lying.
So I don't know what to do.
BOOM. That was the sound of the weight of the world being taken off my shoulders! Ha.